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Today 4 years ago

March 24, 2011

Today 4 years ago Graeme and I received the devastating news that our baby had died in utero. Our world fell apart at that moment.

I’ve never known emotional pain like it before or since. I’ve known physical pain that was strong enough to make it impossible for me even to wish for death, because it was so all-consuming. But this pain was something else entirely.

Remembering those first few hours of worry, anxiety, then increasing panic as we became certain that something was WRONG. The the few hours afterwards, of trying to deal with this news sufficiently to be able to go home to our other child who was only 18 months old, and try to explain to her what was happening… Then back to the hospital for the gruelling labour and the emotional rollercoaster of seeing our baby and having to say goodbye to her…

…and then leaving the hospital with empty arms….

In the early days, what helped most was being able to talk to others who had gone through something similar, and having something to keep us busy.

Four years on the pain is not gone, but we’ve learnt to move on with our lives. We’ve found a way to experience joy again, and laughter, and to think of her without falling apart all over again. We’ve had another child, and for anyone who didn’t know our story, we probably look like an average family.

Yet, even now, there are times and moments and days when the pain is brought to the surface and we cry afresh. The longing for her doesn’t ever go away. The pain of losing her still sits in a quiet corner of our hearts.

This evening, my eldest and I prayed that God would give her a big birthday hug from the two of us. I would give a lot, a lot, to be able to do that myself – for just one moment to be able to hold my little girl in my arms again and tell her how much I love her.

It is in her memory that we started this group. It is in her honour that we want to offer help to those who, like us, find themselves members of this ‘secret’ club. It is to let the world know that her death, and the death of countless others like her, is not in vain – together we will stand up and remind the world of the beauty and majesty that is found in our angel children. Together we will find the strength to carry on living, and more – to thrive, and not just survive – because that is what our children would want for us.

If you, like us, are a parent of an angel child, I salute you. May you know the sleep of the peaceful. May you find courage in laughter. May you find hope in tears. May you know love and joy in abundance. May you find comfort in company.

Happy 4th birthday angel girl! Mom and Dad love you.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. March 29, 2011 7:16 am

    this is a beautiful post. Happy birthday Matilda

  2. April 13, 2011 4:00 pm

    Your posts sums it all up. My son’s 1 year anniversary was March 9, 2011. I’ve since had another son whom we have named after him. Getting pregnant with my second son and helping others through the foundation we have formed in his honour seem like the only way to deal with this inexplicable loss. Still there are days when thoughts of him fill my mind and leave me wishing he was here. How different the past year would have been. His picture adorns our wall just like his other siblings. We’ll never fully understand why these things happen. Here’s a poem a fellow angelmom shared:

    Daddy please don’t look so sad,

    Mommy please don’t cry.

    I am in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies.

    Please do not try to question God,

    don’t think he is unkind.

    Don’t think he sent me to you and that he changed his mind.

    You see, I am special

    and I’m needed up above.

    I’m the special child you gave Him,

    the product of your love.

    I’ll always be there with you.

    So watch the sky at night.

    Find the brightest star that’s gleaming.

    That’s my halo’s brilliant light.

    So Daddy please don’t look so sad.

    Mommy please don’t cry.

    I am in the arms of Jesus.

    And He sings me lullabies.

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